Please Let Me Stand Trial Before A Judge I Play Golf With, Pleads Harmless Old Arms Dealer

Mr Tappin: just a typical English pensioner

Old Mr Tappin, the lovable Kent veteran due to be dragged off to die in America later today by heartless jobsworths simply for selling a battery, today made a dramatic last-ditch plea to be tried in Britain in front of a judge he knows through the Rotary Club.

“I love this country, I’ve sold arms here all my life,” declared snowy-haired Mr Tappin, as he sat with his sweet little wife reminiscing fondly over a photo-album filled with snaps of himself in happier days, cheerfully selling missile components to undercover FBI agents in ‘WE ♥ JIHAD’ t-shirts. “Dear oh dear, I don’t know what I’ll do if some ghastly American I’ve never played golf with sends me to one of those awful ‘jailhouse’ things Elvis Presley sings about. I just couldn’t live out 35 of my twilight years without the comforting solace of Henry Blofeld’s cricket commentaries on the radio, you know.”

Mr Tappin then put on his favourite tweed jacket and flat cap, sang ‘My Old Man’s A Dustman’ and asked hopefully whether there was honey still for tea.