Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Belfast Celebrates Worst Bit Of Shipbuilding In History

Go off an' drown some English, y'dorty great bastard now
Ulster today celebrated the centenary of the shoddiest attempt at building a ship the world has ever seen, marking the ill-fated launch of the doomed Titanic from the forever-tainted Harland and Woolf shipyard with cheering and blaring boat hooters. The city also unveiled a tragic exhibition of personal effects formerly owned by those condemned to drown in the icy waters of the Atlantic by the appalling example of Irish craftsmanship at its worst.

The party kicked off with a religious ceremony as a priest pointed out that, if Noah had been Irish, then the world would be pretty damned quiet nowadays. The crowds then held a moment’s silence in respect for the 1,517 passengers and crew they killed with their hideously unseaworthy vessel, followed by 62 raucous seconds of cheerfully inappropriate self-congratulation as they imagined their monstrous death tub creaking down the slipway into the dark waters that would swallow it within the space of a year.

“For too long Belfast’s role in the Titanic story has been neglected,” said Niall O Donnghaile, the city’s lord mayor. “But attitudes have changed since those far-off days, and generations have now grown up in this city feeling that being associated with pointless and entirely avoidable slaughter is nothing to be particularly ashamed of.”

“Look, how the fuck else are we going to persuade foreigners to visit Belfast?” said a spokesman for Tourism Ireland. “It was either this or The Authentic IRA Fun Palace.”

No comments: