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| Fistral Beach |
The reason you are not getting your annual £300 share of nature’s bounty is not because you live in a man-made hell of concrete and exhaust fumes, a report commissioned by the government revealed today. It is because feckless unemployeds are ripping you off and enjoying Britain’s scenic beauty free, gratis and for nothing while you toil in a dull, grey office.
“I told my Jobcentre advisor I wasn’t happy with the amount of beaches I was getting on JSA,” scoffed bone-idle scrounger Roy Biggins, 42, from Bethnal Green. “I told ‘em straight, I want three hundred nicker of the Lake District right now, right, and I ain’t budging until you give it me.”
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| Fistral Beach without the doleys |
While Mr Biggins shamelessly cavorts with badgers to his heart’s content among Cumbria’s lush green valleys, the authors of the National Ecosystem Assessment warn that other workshy loafers are greedily sucking in the clean, valuable air that is rightfully yours all over the wave-kissed beaches of Devon and Cornwall.
When our reporter tried to reclaim his due share of Britain’s natural beauty by pushing a surfing jobless off Newquay’s golden Fistral Beach, he was loudly told to “fuck off” by the protesting wastrel, who is in the process of appealing an Atos decision that a chronic allergy to work is not a barrier to employment.
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