Pope To Beatify Self Next

'Tis Jesus' special water, so

Having sent his predecessor on the way to sainthood with a quick bit of beatifying, Pope Benedict XVI told cheering crowds that he was already sifting through the many miracles he has performed, with a view to becoming the Catholic church’s first living saint.

Pope George Ringo II’s beatification was made possible thanks to his remarkable act of curing Sister Marie Simon-Pierre of the DTs by swallowing the key to her convent’s drinks cabinet. The steady-handed nun was on the balcony in St Peter’s Square with His Holiness this morning, telling the throng: “To be sure, ‘tis a miracle. That feckin’ Polish bastard did cure me o’ the drink, so he did aye.”

Also benefiting from Pope Benedict’s largesse was Father - now Saint - Jack of Craggy Island, who amazed clerics and doctors alike by drinking silver polish for years without any ill effect, before being carried aloft into God’s welcoming arms on the wings of an almighty fart.

But the uncritical flock crowding the Vatican demanded more, until the Pope finally announced that anyone with a bona fide miracle, no matter how tenuously they might link it to him, should speak to Father Credulus in the ticket booth after the service.