Monday, 2 May 2011

Bin Laden Felled By ‘Enery’s ‘Ammer

Evil genius Osama Bin Laden was taken down by the famous left hook of British boxing legend Henry Cooper in a precision assault planned by top military expert Richard Holmes and co-ordinated by whispering snooker commentator Ted Lowe, it emerged today.

Prof Holmes first applied his encyclopaedic knowledge of military campaigns to the mystery of Bin laden’s whereabouts, deploying foraging Pakistanis ahead of his main force in an ingenious adaptation of 19th century US cavalry tactics. Once his native scouts tracked down the terrorist mastermind, the Sandhurst and Cranfield lecturer deployed snooker’s ‘Whispering Ted’ to a forward observation post to quietly radio back Bin Laden’s movements.

'For those who see things in black and white, everything's gone green'
The moment Bin Laden stepped out of the house to hang out the washing, Prof Holmes gave the order for ‘our ‘Enery’ to be airdropped directly onto the specified co-ordinates, delivering a flurry of blows to the bearded criminal mastermind head and upper body. In desperation the Saudi-born villain hurled his dialysis machine at the gentleman of the ring, but the shrewd historian saw the opportunity to deploy ‘‘Enery’s ‘ammer’ with killing force while Bin Laden was off-balance, knocking the frail al-Qaeda leader’s battered head clean off his scrawny pencil neck.

“As students of Operation Fortitude - the allied plan to deceive Hitler into thinking that the D-Day landings would take place in the Pas de Calais area - will know, disinformation is an invaluable tool in times of war,” a dusty but elated Professor Holmes told reporters. “Carefully-timed news announcements of our supposed deaths led Obama to the fatally flawed conclusion that the deadly combination of my generalship, Ted’s finely-honed observational skills and Henry Cooper’s jackhammer left hook were no longer a viable threat. He lowered his guard, we struck and the forces of evil were defeated at minimal cost to allied lives.”

“”Students of military history will be scrutinising this victory for years to come,” he concluded, “As I plan to include it in Module 203: ‘From Troy To Terrorist: The Great Deception Strategies’ - coming soon to BBC4.”

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