Sunday, 1 May 2011

Sunday Supplement: Those Beautiful People In Full

The Nev Filter Fashion Guide To What You'll Be Wearing To This Summer's Dinner Parties

Kate: A 
The soon-to-be Duchess of Great Yarmouth, Countess of Transylvania and Baroness Cludgie amazed and delighted friends, family, royals and a third of the entire adoring population of planet Earth by daringly opting for a bridal gown, in white, with matching accessories!

It's a difficult look to carry off at a wedding - especially after nine years of shagging! - but Kate daringly risked all and came through smiling, with not the slightest whiff of disapproval from BBC head serf Huw Edwards! 

Wills: B+
The dashing, handsome and altogether fab Prince William eschewed the dreary blue serge of a Flight Lieutenant's uniform which he is actually entitled to wear, selecting instead from his dad's extensive dressing-up box the ceremonial dress uniform and medals of General Kitchener.

Princess Beatrice: D-
Well, what can you do when your tainted DNA saddles you with your father's chin and your mother's flab? Vivienne Westwood definitely drew the short straw here, and she can't be blamed if the lumpy clod doesn't know how to accessorise properly. The zinc tub (lavishly galvanized by Robinson Pelham of London)  goes over the head, dear!

Princess Eugenie: F
Proof, alas, that the gravity-defying foreheadgear of Philip Treacle is not for everyone. Eugenie's noisomely octopoid appearance sent young bridesmaids and old sea-salts alike screaming for their mummies when she flapped and clawed her way out of the car!

In this case, the stars are definitely wrong!

Queen Elizabeth II: B
Her Majesty is no stranger to weddings, having had one herself, and her chosen cylinder of fabric for the momentous occasion of her grandson and heir's nuptials was in a fetching shade of lemon-fresh yellow she first saw when a three-year-old Prince William once fished a freshener cube out of the servants' urinals at Balmoral and playfully hid it in her handbag.

And they say our Queen has no sense of humour! God bless you, Ma'am, you're a card and no mistake!

Mrs Victoria Beckham of that ilk: B+
It's always difficult to be the acme of haute couture when you're saddled with a baby bump the size of one of the radomes at Fylingdales, but naturally the former Posh Spice was born knowing that black always flatters! A Philip Treacle pasty stapled to her frontispiece topped off the ensemble, naturally.

Miss Tara Palmer-Tomkinson of It: A-
Not content to rest on her laurels with a brand new nose specially crafted for the occasion by top Harley Street surgeons, T-P-T proved herself once again to be the socialite's socialite by arriving in an arresting blue off-the shoulder foreskin. What could be a more subtle reminder to the royal couple and their guests of the billions of loyal subjects drooling over their televisions beyond the hallowed walls of Westminster Abbey?

Dame Elton John: C+
Only Dame Elton could successfully add a touch of the bohemian to formal wear, and indeed the venerable entertainer and purveyor of CDs to the prince's late mother lightened the solemnity of the service with his wild hair - and, thankfully, by refraining from trotting out some hastily-rewritten song from Honky Chateau!

No comments: