Blofeld ‘Quiet Chap Who Kept Himself To Himself’, Say Astonished Neighbours

The people who lived next to Ernst Stavro Blofeld for years today told the world’s media that the evil genius was a quiet loner whom none of them would ever have believed capable of using a giant circular saw on a British secret agent.

“You’d occasionally see him going to the shop first thing in the morning to get a paper, but he wasn’t really much of a one for socialising and whatnot,” said the lady across the road. “Fancy him having a tank full of piranhas concealed beneath a trapdoor in the living room! It makes you think, doesn’t it?”

Well I never

His next-door neighbour says the only time he ever heard anything unusual coming from Mr Blofeld’s fortified house was the occasional cackle, usually followed by a splash and a brief threshing of water.

“I thought he just liked to cool his feet in an inflatable paddling pool from time to time,” explained the amazed neighbour, a high-ranking officer in Pakistan’s army. “But it seems he had a small lake filled with ravenous man-eating sharks in his back garden all this time, and nobody suspected a thing. Perhaps I might have seen it over the garden wall if I ever went upstairs, but strangely enough I never do.”

Residents did say that large items of furniture would sometimes be delivered in the middle of the night to the Blofeld compound, such as an enormous glass table with a map of the United States and several flashing lights, a 28m TV screen and a huge rocket launch tower, but added that in Pakistan’s top military city this hardly counted as unusual behaviour.