Condoms Are Only Sanctified For Sex With Depraved Hellbound Blasphemies, Warns Vatican

The Pope has surprised many of his followers

The Catholic authorities are today seeking to downplay the Pope’s unexpected change of heart on the use of condoms, explaining that the “exceptional circumstances” cited in his announcement referred specifically and exclusively to situations in which practicing Catholics may find themselves required, within the context of their obligations to Christ, to fornicate for purely procreative purposes with an obscene, sinful homosexualist monstrosity who is assuredly damned to hell for all eternity.

“Or Father Donnelly, as some of you may know him,” explained a Vatican spokesman helpfully.