Miliband: ‘Knew Labour Could Recapture Middle Earth’

Mr Miliband is targeting the Shire vote

Launching a major review of Labour policy, Ed Miliband has declared his bold intention to retake the fictional realm of Middle Earth from the combined orc forces of David Cameron and Nick Clegg.

“I say we’ve got to move beyond New Labour,” Mr Miliband told his party’s National Policy Forum. “Why do I say we have to move beyond New Labour? Not because the New Labour approach was wrong, it was right in many ways, but because people are sick of hearing about New Labour. So let’s hear no talk of New Labour. We shall banish New Labour from our thoughts. Let us hear no more of New Labour.”

“Right, that’s enough about New Labour,” he went on cheerfully. “With New Labour out of the picture, we need to find some new Labour policies which don’t sound like Tory or LibDem policies, but which will resonate with the people in Middlemarch – because, let’s face it, they’re the only ones who can be bothered to vote.”

“So let’s get our brand new Labour thinking caps on and ask ourselves how we can reconnect with the squeezed middle-of-the-road,” he urged. “The next election is ours for the taking, if we can just get Jayne Middlemiss on board. Our message must be entirely new: “Labour has your best interests at heart, piggy in the middle.’ If you thought you knew Labour, take another look – because we’re all-new Labour here.”