Police Ready To Arrest Boiling Water

Oi, Trotsky! We've got you on film

A tense standoff is developing in a London police station’s canteen tonight between officers and water which they have poured into a kettle and placed on the stove.

“PC Savage was going about his duties at the water cooler this afternoon when, without warning, a few rogue elements suddenly decided to splash onto his newly-polished boots,” explained a police intelligence officer to eager journalists. “We responded to this act of provocation by immediately restraining the remaining water within a kettle, to prevent further unpleasant incidents from taking place.”

“We are currently observing the water by means of overhead surveillance, i.e. removing the top of the kettle and peering inside,” he added, “And it appears that the water is becoming more and more unruly by the minute. In fact, you can hear it from here.”

When asked why the kettle had been filled to the brim, ignoring the safety limit printed on the level indicator, he replied that the amount of water in the kettle was a matter for the officers in attendance to use their discretion, adding that if any water should rashly try to break out, it would be compelled to use the controlled environment of the kettle’s narrow spout, where PC Savage was keenly waiting in full riot gear to beat it senseless with his trusty daystick, ‘Masher’.