The British government has wholeheartedly endorsed an international report, published yesterday by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development, which claims that creating more university places is the way out of recession and unemployment.
"Countries which want to position themselves for after the economic crisis should create sufficient places in university," said Andreas Schleicher, the author of the OECD report.
Prime minister Gordon Brown today launched the all-new University of Work and Pensions, with faculty offices in all major towns and cities.
Unemployed people dragging their carcasses down to the former Jobcentres to sign on expressed surprise when their newly-appointed personal tutors - instead of asking them in a bored voice what imaginary jobs they had applied for - presented them with a bill for thousands of pounds in tuition and top-up fees, and a student loan application form.
"Apparently I don't have to lift a finger for three years," explained a newly-enrolled student as he stumbled out of the former Jobcentre. "I'm no longer an unemployed scum, I'm doing a BSc in Employment Studies. If I understand this provisional timetable correctly, I have no lectures, no tutorials and no exams but an awful lot of self-mentoring practical sessions. Excuse me, I'm off to buy myself a PS3, an Xbox360, a Wii, a laptop and a guitar."
Once the three-year courses end, the money will suddenly dry up and the graduates will receive a pretty piece of paper, suitable for framing, and a demand from the student loans company telling them to start paying back the £23,000 they will have received.
"Higher education really is the way to beat unemployment," smiled the prime minister. "And I will give the unemployed a beating they'll never forget."
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