Couples should consider sleeping apart for the good of their health, according to an expert from the University of Surrey.
"It's not actually natural for couples to share the same bed," said Dr Neil Stanley, who set up one of Britain's leading sleep laboratories. "Take my wife, for example. She snores like a jet fighter being fired from a steam catapult with the afterburners on full blast, her malodorous farts set burglar alarms off down the street, and her unreasonable demands for fulfilling, multi-orgasmic sex - in spite of her increasing resemblance to a vast pink hippo - left me an inadequate, sobbing wreck. I was heading for a nervous breakdown, but we both agree that things have improved greatly since we started sleeping in separate rooms. Now she sleeps in the master bedroom in our Farnham house, and I sleep on a sofa bed in my state-of-the-art sleep laboratory, right here in my office in Guildford."
Dr Stanley's ground-breaking researches have led him to suggest that couples should not only sleep in separate towns if they want to get the most out of their relationships, but live completely separate lives wherever possible.
"In fact, it would be best if couples never actually met in the first place," he suggested. "I am convinced that my chances of sleeping with a nubile grad student or two will be greatly improved, now that Mrs Stanley is no longer squatting next to me with a Catherine Cookson novel, taking up space, hogging the duvet and demanding a divorce."
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