In order to meet the UK's targets for carbon emission reductions whilst allowing for growth in the aviation industry, everybody's domestic electricity and gas will be cut off and road vehicles banned by the year 2050, according to the government's advisory committee on climate change.
"In the future, the only carbon emissions will come from the queues of zeppelin-sized airliners stacked in holding patterns above Britain's airports, hoping for a landing slot to become available," said committee chair Adair Turner. "To keep this vital industry alive, everybody will have to sacrifice their lighting, heating, food preparation, home entertainment and personal transport. You'll still be able to fly to anywhere in the world whenever you feel like it, of course, only you'll have to walk to the airport first."
"It's either this, or give up your annual two-week piss-up in the Med," he added. "Unless, perhaps, you don't mind a brisk swim across the Channel, followed by a trans-continental hike."
A spokesman for the aviation industry pointed out that the airlines would not be exempt from having to make savage cuts themselves to meet any new, stringent climate agreements which might, unlikely though it may seem, be thrashed out by ministers in Copenhagen this December.
"Our long-cherished dreams of passenger-carrying rockets criss-crossing the world's oceans, burning up skyscraper-sized tanks of liquid hydrogen, have regrettably been put on the back burner once again," he sighed. "Similarly, our hopes of renting individual jet-packs to travellers have been cruelly dashed by the wicked lies whispered into the ears of gullible ministers by the evil environmentalist lobby."
"If those beardy-weirdy tree-huggers get their way, you'll never be able to charter your own personal LearJet for that tranquil weekend getaway in the Lake District," he warned holidaymakers.
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