The recession is history and Britain is now experiencing unprecedented and rapid economic growth, announced business secretary Lord Mandelson today.
"The recent predatory attempt by Kraft World Domination Foods - very nice people, Britain's best interests at heart - to seize and shut down its potential rival Cadburys offers incontrovertible proof to even the most cynical naysayers that Booming Britain is once again the envy of the financial world," smiled Lord Mandelson. "Why, only today the Bank of England confidently demonstrated its firm conviction that the bleak days are far, far behind us by refusing to cut interest rates from 0.5% to zero or below. Well, what more proof do you need?"
"And let's not forget that they're still busy, busy, busy printing more and more money," he added, "Because in next to no time, you'll have so much cash you simply won't know what to do with it, you mark my words!"
The swollen ranks of Britain's unemployed crawled out of their cardboard boxes to give the business secretary three rousing cheers, amid ecstatic calls for a snap election. The humble, self-effacing man they are already calling The Saviour of Britain was, however, keen to put a brake on their understandable enthusiasm.
"I appreciate that, in these salad days, you want to express your gratitude by returning Labour to power for a fourth term," he acknowledged graciously. "That's only natural. But this parliament still has some essential business to perform before the nation can go to the polls."
"We are quite keen, for example, to pass a very important - very important - bill which would allow appointed life peers to give up their meaningless titles, allowing them to stand for parliament as ordinary citizens," he continued. "For too long - almost a year, in fact - the most able and gifted minds of their generation have been unable to take their rightful places in the House of Commons, or at the head of their parties, because of these glamorous but encumbering vestiges of an outdated caste system."
Lord Mandelson also expressed his wholehearted support for Gordon Brown's inspired stewardship of the Labour Party, and said he was trying very, very hard to persuade the hard-working prime minister to take a short break from the terrible burdens of state, possibly by going on an invigorating adventure holiday.
"Can't you imagine poor, tired-out old Gordon's troubles and cares floating away for good as he white-water rafts down Niagara Falls, or bungee-jumps off Spaghetti Junction to the delight of the oncoming traffic?" implored the smooth-talking peer, before heading off to inspect a safe Labour seat.
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