Plastic Toy Will Definitely Make You Forget Crushing Disappointment Of Your Existence This Time

Your little friends really will beckon you into their world like this

Thousands of hollow-eyed refugees from life queued for hours to be the first to escape into a gaudy 3D world of pixellated gratification, as Nintendo’s eagerly-awaited new toy finally went on sale today.

“Look – we gave a couple to Tinchy Snyder and Blue,” said a gloating suit from Nintendo. “Just hand over your last £230 – sorry, cheques not accepted - and you too can be exactly like them in every way.”

“With not one but two screens, the last Nintendo toy promised to totally make me forget about the black decades of constant disappointment that will be the rest of my life,” explained champion thumb-twitcher Josh Geake, who joined the queue outside HMV’s Oxford Street temple of empty promises last night. “Somehow, though, that didn’t quite work out. Looking back, the missing ingredient was obviously a limited version of 3D. So I have no doubt at all that this new plastic thing will lock my mind forever in a colour-saturated fantasy world of running and jumping and finding things, finally locking out the bad thing forever.”

“Just in case it doesn’t, though, I sent my mum out last night to queue up for an iPad2,” he added. “When I get home, my life will be perfect.”

D&D Creator Tears Up Character Sheet

Dave Arneson, one of the original co-creators of the Dungeons & Dragons role-playing game, has died after fumbling his saving throw, according to dark rumours emerging from the Forgotten Realms.

According to reliable visions experienced by several high-level mages, Arneson had been subjected to repeated potions and Cure Serious Wounds spells from clerics in recent years. However, he died on Tuesday after failing his CON roll against cancer.

Zondor - a priest of Vog who was with the party - reported that he placed his +1 percentile dice in the hand of the dying Arneson, who groaned as he rolled 03, gasped "Epic fail!" and expired. His fellow-adventurers marked his passing by punching the air and cheering, before taking a solemn time-out for Coke and potato chips.

It is believed that Arneson's spirit has passed into the Forbidden Realm, where it may join forces with the immortal sorcerer of Dungeons & Dragons legend, E Gary Gygax, who passed from view last year.

"Even though we have taken the precaution of burying him in a twenty-sided Casket of Containment, there is a very real possibility that the trauma of death may twist Dave's soul into a Chaotic Evil alignment," said a spotty 15th-level nerd calling himself Aargh the Barbarian, but whose real name is Dominic. "If that happens, we could be forced to hand over all of our gold pieces to pay for a whole new set of tomes that aren't really that different from the ones we had before."

"Still, at least there'll be loads of new pictures of women in shiny metal bras," he added hopefully.

Somebody Call A Cleric

Gary Gygax - the co-creator of the role-playing game Dungeons and Dragons - has died at the age of 69. Gygax, regarded as the father of role-playing games, had been suffering from a lowering of his stats for some time.

His wife said that he enjoyed hearing from fans of the hugely-successful game, which spawned computer games, books and movies, saying: “It really meant a lot to him to hear from people from over the years about how he helped them become a doctor, a lawyer, a policeman.”

Gygax’s thoughts on the army of geeks his game has helped to become shelf-stackers, video-rental clerks or unemployable man-children still living with their parents were, however, not recorded.