Sunday, 15 February 2009

Put Homeless in Burnt-Out Shells, Says Cameron

Conservative leader David Cameron has unveiled a radical plan to reduce waiting lists for social housing by removing tiresome, unnecessary housing regulations, such as the requirement for a roof.

There are currently 4.5 million people waiting to be housed and, with over a hundred repossessions every day, the number is rising rapidly.

"There is far too much red tape holding everything up," explained Mr Cameron. "In these difficult times, people can't afford to be too choosy. Obviously glass windows are better than plywood boards, wallpaper is more decorative than obscene graffiti and boards are ideally placed in neat rows on the floor rather than doused in petrol, stuffed under the staircase and lit - but really, all you need to make a home is four walls. In fact three will do, at a pinch."

"Councils are just wasting valuable time and money bringing these hovels up to an arbitrary level that some fusty do-gooder long ago decided was 'fit for human habitation'," he continued. "What's important is to get these ghastly scum housed right away. Then, if they've got to put their own roof on, replace the melted electrics and kill all the cockroaches, they'll be far too tired to go out stealing cars and throwing stones at fire engines, or whatever it is that they do on council estates."

Mr Cameron went on to say that, once the rehoused families were able to move out of the coal cellar, they would then be free to convert it into live-in quarters for their domestic staff.

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