Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Never Say Terror Again, Urges Retired Superspy

Top retired British secret agent, James Bond, says the UK government is exploiting the fear of terrorism to bring in laws that restrict civil liberties.

Speaking to Spanish newspaper La Vanguardia, the former agent 007 said: "It would be better that the government recognished that there were rishksh, rather than frightening people in order to be able to pash lawsh which reshtrict shivil libertiesh, preshishely one of the objectsh of terrorishm - that we live in fear and under a polishe shtate."

He then offered to have brief, meaningless sex with his attractive female interviewer, despite being old enough to be her grandfather.

Agent 007's comments follow hard on the heels of yesterday's report by the SPECTRE-controlled International Commission of Jurists - which claimed that, in the name of the 'war on terror', the UK and US governments had actively undermined international law.

Commander Bond's Martini-fuelled fumblings were instantly relayed from his luxurious hotel suite, via an ingenious satellite link concealed in a condom, directly to M - the head of MI5 - who explained that the government took the sensible view that it was necessary to terrify the population in order to make them feel safe, and to protect their traditional freedoms by treating them all as criminals.

She then shouted "Bang!" to the assembled reporters, causing a mass soiling event.

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