Tuesday 1 April 2008

A Complete and Utter Cult

Fourteen more members of a bizarre doomsday cult have abandoned their cave shelter 400 miles south-east of Moscow, saying that the partial collapse of their underground refuge was a message from God telling them to leave.

The cultists had been awaiting the end of the world, which their leader Pyotr Kuznetsov had predicted would happen in April or May. Mr Kuznetsov was not actually dwelling in the cave himself, having told his followers that God had different tasks for him, most of which regrettably involved the use of modern domestic conveniences, possibly connected with conducting further research into their Satanic barcodes.

Fourteen cultists remain inside the cave, where they are cut off by the landslide.

Deputy regional governor Oleg Melnichenko said the evacuees were in good health considering they had been underground for six months, had refused medical attention, and were now in a house praying for guidance, wisdom, enlightenment or, failing that, common sense.

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