Vladimir Putin, the Russian Prime Minister and former head of the KGB, has pledged his personal vote for Britain’s still-to-be-written entry to next year’s Eurovision Song Contest, after Andrew Lloyd-Webber travelled to Russia to find out why Britain’s entries have fared so badly.
“Ghastly, arse-faced English lord appear without warning at breakfast table in Kremlin,” said the fearless, tiger-shooting hard man of post-Soviet politics. “I scream, I throw bowl of Frosties but he not go away. He ask me, ‘Why nobody like me, I mean us, oh great bear of Russia?’ I realise he just big, soft girly-man. Ice of Putin’s heart melt away like winter snows. I give warm but manly hug. I tell him that I, Putin, send SMS vote for British troll-friends next time for sure. He go away ugly but happy. Putin eat Frosties.”
“Some may say that one man’s vote will not make a great deal of difference to the international voting,” grunted Lord Lloyd-Webber from his luxury sewer. “But Mr Putin explained to me that his vote is like his gas. If he passes gas in our direction, all of Russia sends its gas to Britain too. In fact, he treated me to a demonstration of the potency of his gas, which was quite a memorable experience. I shall probably write it into my next musical. I think it was in the key of A#.”
“I’m happy to say that, from now on, politics will no longer play any part in the Eurovision voting,” he added.
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