The whole of Eastern Europe has had its gas supply cut off in the escalating dispute between Russia and Ukraine over an unpaid bill. With Germany, France and Italy also experiencing shortfalls in supply, Russia has put forward a solution promising to turn the taps back on if Europe sends a team into Ukraine to monitor the pipeline.
"It's the bloody thieving neighbours at it again, I'm telling you," said Vladimir Putin. "I wouldn't trust them Ukrainian pikeys further than I could throw 'em - not since they welcomed Hitler's troops with open arms, bloody fools them for all the good it did 'em. I reckon there's probably that many garden hoses illegally plumbed into the pipeline, it looks like a great big hairy caterpillar. I'd send in the bailiffs, myself - only when I did that in Georgia last year, you all screamed blue murder. Tell you what, Europe. You send some observers into Ukraine - preferably the kind who do their observing through a laser-guided rangefinder, known what I mean? - and I'm sure we'll have your gas flowing again in a jiffy, no problem."
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