Earliest Christian Skeleton Already Boring Archaeologists

Leading archaeologists are already desperate searching for any excuse to avoid the oldest Christian remains ever found in Britain, it emerged just one day after the 1400-year-old skeleton was dug up in Cambridgeshire.

Desperately in need of a good shag, say experts

“The skeleton has been identified as that of an intensely irritating sixteen-year-old girl, no doubt a fresh convert to the recently-introduced faith after about a year of obsessing loudly about veganism and a brief emo phase,” yawned leading archaeopresenter Tony Robinson. “Phil, do we know how she died?”

“Well, Tonee, oi do reckon ‘urr must of bin ‘it on the ‘ead by a flagon, wot ‘er farvur prob’ly frowed at ‘urr to put a stop to ‘urr constant naggin’ ‘bowt ‘is drinkin’ ‘abits,” opined colleague Phil Harding, a leading expert on early Christian sanctimoniousness.

“This has to be one of the most infuriating finds I’ve ever seen,” Mr Robinson told a passing camera. “Just by lying there, this self-righteous little cow highlights all our shortcomings and keeps reminding us that we’re all going to hell when we die. The diggers are already at work on a new trench, and when it’s six feet deep we'll chuck her manky bones in, backfill it and knock up a quick ‘Danger: Radioactive Biohazard’ sign.”

“And we’ve got just three days to do it,” he added.