Government To Sell The Future

Chancellor George Osborne announced today that the entire future of Britain is to be sold off - in the form of government bonds which will not have to be repaid, together with astounding amounts of accrued interest, until we are all safely dead and past caring.

George Osborne's economics advisor

“Last night I was watching the old episode of Futurama where 93 cents in Fry’s bank account grew into $4.3bn, thanks to a thousand years of compound interest at 2.25%,” explained Mr Osborne brightly. “And it dawned on me how irresistible that sort of return would look to any investment fund manager.”

The ‘super-long gilts’ which Mr Osborne is proposing will not be redeemable for at least a century, he smirked, and corporate investors will be encouraged to hang onto them for as long as they like and rack up a truly staggering interest bill - which a generation of unfortunate sods yet to be born will one day be presented with.

“I envisage two possible repayment scenarios,” explained the chancellor. “Either Britannia shall rise again, creating a star-spanning British Galactic Empire which will meet its historic debts through the shameless exploitation of native alien races dominated by our glorious space colonies, or your great-to-the-nth-power grandchildren will be hideous mutants harvested in battery farms for their internal organs.”

“Some may feel this places an unjust burden on future generations,” he admitted. “But if you want to maintain some semblance of a Western lifestyle for a few more years, I’d cordially advise you to shut the fuck up.”