Express Strangely Reluctant To Describe Massacre Of Afghan Families As Mass Murder

Tragically, Afghans lack the Daily Express' sense of perspective

Daily Express scientists are tantalisingly close to reaching the definitive measure of human worth today, after discovering that – unlike the deaths of six British soldiers who drove over a hidden bomb last week - the senseless slaughter of 16 sleeping Afghan men, women and children by a US army sergeant fails to meet their strict criteria for mass murder.

“Thanks to meticulous research, we now know that one British squaddie is worth a million Jews,” explained project leader Professor Richard Desmond. “Other massacres in living memory conclusively prove that the life of the average British soldier is also equivalent to about 13 Swedes, 3650 Polish officers or roughly 125,000 Rwandans who are, of course, as black as the ace of spades.”

“We’re not quite sure exactly where the typical terrorist-loving towelhead appears on that scale, because their value is simply too tiny for our instruments to measure,” he admitted. “Rest assured, though, 16 less of them barely registers on our scale. And let’s not forget that nine of them were only kids. They only count as half.”

“Anyway, never mind all that gloom and doom,” beamed the renowned scholar and tit merchant. “What’s important is how hot Joan Collins is looking. OK, she may be 78, but I’d still give her one – who wouldn’t? Down, boy!”

Meanwhile the Express’ very own political cartoonist of the year, Paul Thomas, delighted the paper’s famously astute readers with a nice drawing of an elephant.