Pope Too Pissed To Read God’s Memo re: Demotion Of St Patrick

Pope Benedict XVI is having such a whale of a time staggering around St Peter’s Square in his ceremonial pint-of-Guinness hat, challenging shit-faced celebrants of the Holy Feast of St Patrick to a fight and then hugging them, that he has completely forgotten about the memo God sent him this morning, red-faced red-robed cardinals admitted today.

According to the ‘Action immediately’-headed memo, God informs His earthly representative that He has finally lost patience with the patron saint of Ireland’s complete undermining of the Christian ethos of pious spirituality, and has busted him down to patron saint of street cleaners and urinal manufacturers.

What in the name of Christ makes you think this is a good look?

God is understood to have originally told St Patrick to rid Ireland of leprechauns, which the hapless holy man misheard as ‘reptilians’ after a heavy night on the fermented peat. The leprechauns subsequently exchanged their pots of gold for Diageo shares and fucked off to London to further their plans for world domination.

“While we’re on the subject,” God advises His oblivious vicar, “Paddy the Snakecharmer is not, and never has been, the patron saint of multinational corporations, so perhaps you could point out that his holy charm is not an enormous fucking hat. From now on, it’s a blue disinfectant cube. You might publicise this by dishing some out at Mass on Sunday, if any bugger manages to roll up.”