Police To Respond To Future 999 Calls By Post

Postal workers aren't looking forward to emptying his sack

Home secretary Theresa May has unveiled a radical shake-up of policing, which will see costs slashed by replacing 99% of police duties with a sternly-worded letter.

“We can save 2½ million police hours with automatically-generated letters,” she announced, “Which will incidentally bump up Royal Mail’s turnover nicely, while we try to find some mug to take it off our hands.”

Under the plans, bailed suspects will be notified of the charges brought against them by post, emergency callers will receive a pro-forma asking them to fill in the details within five working days, and fugitives from justice will be targeted by a mass mailout of gilt-edged invitations to a party at their nearest court.

Protest marches will in future be surrounded by couriers, said Mrs May, delivering to participants a list of suggested injuries they should consider inflicting upon themselves before posting footage of themselves on YouTube, while a random member of the public will be picked every week to receive an exploding parcel so that the inquiry industry can stay in business.

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings about the scheme.