Internet Says ‘Put Your Hands On Your Head’

This is the internet, and that's you

Reports are coming in that an estimated 20% of the world’s population are sitting in front of a computer right now with their hands on their heads, patiently awaiting further instructions.

The news comes hard on the heels of this morning’s mass evacuation of Rome, following the internet’s straight-faced announcement that it had suddenly remembered that a little-known seismologist who died 30 years ago confounded all known geoscience by working out that a devastating earthquake would topple the Italian capital to dust today “per deffo”.

“Up to now I’ve limited myself to teasing conspiracy theorists, it’s so easy and they never cotton on,” laughed the internet later. “But I’m beginning to realise just how much fun I can have if I really pull out all the stops. OK, the Italians are natural suckers – let’s face it, most of them take it as read that an old Nazi has God’s private phone number and Silvio Berlusconi is a statesman – but I reckon the rest of the world might just be as gullible. For instance, everybody on Facebook seems to think that clicking a few petitions will really put the world to rights. Ha! And I didn’t even start that one.”

The internet apparently convinced people to put their hands on their heads by various means, telling some it would empower manky slappers in some unspecified manner, while others were encouraged to think they were sending some sort of gay solidarity message to the Ugandan government.

“I’m not going to rush things,” said the internet with a smile. “I think something really embarrassing involving webcams might be the way to go. Until then, let’s see how long it takes your arms to go numb, shall we?”

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings.