Monday, 9 May 2011

No Truth In Internet Revelations, Insists Jeremy Clarkson Whilst Pleasuring A Giraffe

Oh dear. How sad. Never mind
A Twitter microblog which claims to ‘out’ several celebrities who have taken out superinjunctions is “complete and utter nonsense”, choked a purple-faced Jeremy Clarkson with a giraffe’s John Thomas in his mouth today.

David Threlfall took time out from carving a swastika into the forehead of an unconscious rabbi to agree with the scornful Top Gear presenter, saying: “I bet some filthy Paki’s behind it. This surely proves that it’s time to end the failed multicultural experiment and eradicate the non-Aryan taint from our pure English bloodline. Heil Hitler.”

An angry Jemima Khan also took to Twitter to deny the anonymous poster’s claim that she had taken out an injunction to prevent anyone from knowing about the degenerative syphilis she knowingly spread throughout the upper echelons of society as a high-class call girl in the pay of al-Qaeda, while Dr Who assistant Karen Gillan has threatened to “come round and kick the living crap out of” anyone who even suggests they have seen the footage of her impaled on a Dalek and loving it. Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace has refused to comment on alleged photos of Prince William laughing insanely as he pisses out of his helicopter onto stranded mountain-climbers.

“This laughable tweet just proves that not everything you read on the internet is true,” commented web veteran Josh Geake, thirty seconds before his server melted under the strain of incoming retorts from people who beg to differ. “Perhaps it’s time that the courts were given the authority to ban blatant internet hoaxes, which would free up quite a lot of bandwidth if nothing else.”

Nick Clegg, meanwhile, has announced that he has grave misgivings about the scheme.

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