President Kennedy Sends Advisors Into Vietnam To Help With Paperwork

Part 1 of a new series of occasional visits to the vaults of the Nev Filter

President Kennedy today promised Congress that the insertion of a small team of US Army logistical advisors - whose sole task will be to help South Vietnamese quartermasters to reduce an ever-growing mountain of unfiled paperwork - will undoubtedly bring about a swift end to the conflict in SE Asia and hasten the speedy fall of Communism.

“Have you any idea how many requisition forms must be filled out before a Vietnamese soldier can replace his water bottle?” he warned. “All in triplicate, and there’s a chronic shortage of carbon paper.”

President Kennedy reassured concerned Congressmen that the handful of US Army officers who would go in on the ground would absolutely avoid taking an active role in anything remotely resembling a conflict situation.

“Today I make this solemn pledge to the American people,” he vowed. “The moment some Saigon storesman raises his voice to disagree with one of our peace-loving trained killers, we will send in a Huey under heavily-armed escort to airlift him out of that hostile environment, napalming everything in a two-mile radius to ensure that peace is maintained at all costs.”

“I promise you, America, it will all be over by Christmas,” insisted Mr Kennedy.