President Kennedy Sends Advisors Into Vietnam To Help With Paperwork

Part 1 of a new series of occasional visits to the vaults of the Nev Filter

President Kennedy today promised Congress that the insertion of a small team of US Army logistical advisors - whose sole task will be to help South Vietnamese quartermasters to reduce an ever-growing mountain of unfiled paperwork - will undoubtedly bring about a swift end to the conflict in SE Asia and hasten the speedy fall of Communism.

“Have you any idea how many requisition forms must be filled out before a Vietnamese soldier can replace his water bottle?” he warned. “All in triplicate, and there’s a chronic shortage of carbon paper.”

President Kennedy reassured concerned Congressmen that the handful of US Army officers who would go in on the ground would absolutely avoid taking an active role in anything remotely resembling a conflict situation.

“Today I make this solemn pledge to the American people,” he vowed. “The moment some Saigon storesman raises his voice to disagree with one of our peace-loving trained killers, we will send in a Huey under heavily-armed escort to airlift him out of that hostile environment, napalming everything in a two-mile radius to ensure that peace is maintained at all costs.”

“I promise you, America, it will all be over by Christmas,” insisted Mr Kennedy.

Nobel Committee Criticised For Usurping China’s Sovereign Right To Embarrass China

Call that embarrassing?

China’s embarrassing national press has condemned the Nobel Peace Prize Committee after a presentation ceremony for pro-democracy campaigner Liu Xiaobo was held in Oslo with an empty chair symbolising the imprisoned dissident.

Now, this is embarrassing

“How dare the Nobel Committee presume to embarrass the glorious People’s Republic of China in this way?” thundered the English-language China Daily. “That right belongs first and foremost to the completely and utterly democratic Chinese government. Whether the industrious comrades in Beijing are democratically banning anyone who has ever met this dangerous criminal from travelling to Norway; demanding that the Norwegian government shut down the entire Nobel Foundation; propping up North Korea’s reckless dynasty of congenital nutters; shamelessly buying third world countries’ support with exploitative ‘development’ contracts; launching denial-of-service attacks on an innocuous internet search engine because it dares to find criticism of the leaders of the glorious revolution; or swamping the internet with botware to spy on the grovelling national servants of the evil, parasitical plutocrats, who have cynically moved their production here in humbled recognition of the vastly superior productivity of our enlightened proletariat – our political masters will always strive tirelessly for the greater shame of the everlasting Chinese revolution.”

And this is embarrassing

“And furthermore, never let it be said that our new capitalist comrades are shirking from their revolutionary duties,” continued the turgid prose. “These glorious Bentley-owning exploiters of the people have not neglected their duty in the embarrassment of China - cheerfully transforming our rivers into toxic sludge and poisoning the very air we breathe, fearlessly operating the most collapsible mines in the world in order to provide our heroic miners with glorious deaths in the name of revolutionary socialism, and industriously herding the rejoicing suicide regiments of the people’s revolution into vast slave camps to produce subversively defective goods for decadent and corrupted Westerners.”

And this makes an empty chair  look pretty feeble, too

“Let the upstart lackeys of the so-called Nobel Peace Prize Committee also reflect on the embarrassment of the Chinese media, for fearlessly suppressing the truth whenever it presumes to undermine the revolutionary socialist policies of our glorious leaders,” the report droned on remorselessly.

“And finally,” the article concluded on page 104, “May the whole world observe the exemplary enthusiasm with which the patriotic Han proletariat strives gloriously towards its own embarrassment, by its revolutionary racist treatment of ethnic minorities - like the wicked, reactionary Uighur parasites - in response to their misbegotten counter-revolutionary differences.”

"Not to mention their revolutionary fervour for eating endangered animals' penises," added a later supplement.