Options For Irritating BT Ad Couple Not Nearly Graphic Enough, Say Viewers

Viewers who have suffered the sickening BT couple’s cloying exploits in adverts for five gruelling years today inundated the smug telecoms giant with demands for far more gruesome alternatives for the next ad, complaining that the choices they were invited to vote on were not nearly bloodthirsty enough.

“I’d like to see that floppy-haired prick from Love Actually lowered testicles-first onto a giant sanding wheel,” said retired clump press minder Jim Arnold. “Then he could telephone his screams to his insufferable partner from Queer As Folk, who would ideally be rotating slowly on a spit.”

The giant bollock grinder is rapidly gaining favour

Unemployed telesales shit Ellie Carr disagreed, however, suggested that the pair’s up-and-down relationship could best be improved by putting them in a crashing plane with only one parachute, sending futile emails to their mates begging for suggestions before embarking upon a vicious fight to the death for the parachute.

“Except it wouldn’t be a parachute at all,” she added. “When the blood-soaked victor jumped, it would turn out to be a giant streamer reading ‘Fuck you BT’. Then splat.”

A spokesman who lives on another planet said the series of ads had built up “a huge fanbase” during its five-year run, adding that as long as BT kept squeezing millions of customers for its lacklustre services, there ought to be a splendid pile of cash to fund the smug pair’s screen appearances for decades to come.