omg your a masive evolutionery leap 4wad, Teachers Tweet Whilst Watching Telly

Some boys may have passed their A levels, too

Britain’s exemplary teachers demonstrated the nation’s phenomenal ability to multitask today, by leaving the breakfast news blaring in the background as they tweeted their fulsome congratulations to the latest record-breaking batch of geniuses to step off the production line.

As tearful eighteen-year-old girls obligingly jiggled their breasts in front of TV camera crews upon receipt of their meaningless A-level grades, their teachers fervently heaped praise upon their young protégés and, indirectly, themselves.

“The number of students receiving the new A-doubleplusgood grades has leapt from zero to 8% in the space of a single year,” said Ian Chesterton, headmaster of Coal Hill School in London. That’s an-infinity times-eight increase – hang on, somebody’s texting me… ha ha brilliant… and it’s all down to my exemplary teaching skills. Can I have a bonus?”

“Sorry, I was so busy surfing for porn while I was talking to you that I somehow forgot to mention that nothing like that has ever been seen before in the history of education,” Mr Chesterton added in an email several minutes later.

The school’s head of English, Barbara Wright, added that her A-level group’s 99.2% pass rate proved beyond a shadow of doubt that children born since 1961 are growing cleverer year by year.

“The results sort of speak for themselves oh you silly cow,” she told reporters as she avidly watched Jeremy Kyle laying into a pregnant teenager who didn’t know which of two suspects was the father of her child. “In our lifetimes yeah I reckon right I reckon unborn babies will be taking A levels in their mummies’ tummies probly I knew it I knew it was that one you were shagging while the other one was inside you fat little tart.”

Other nations are in awe of the British people’s incredible cleverness, which is amply demonstrated by their extraordinary multitasking skills.

“All through the sixth form yeah? I was like listening to me iPod all the time what I was on the net googling for bits what I could cut and paste into like essays and shit yeah?” sobbed ecstatic pupil Susan, the owner of a fine set of charlies whose place at the University of Sainsbury reading Multimedia and Retail Studies is assured by her straight A* grades. “Hang on me mate’s just texed me right telling me I’m on the telly like right now? Wow that is like so super cool?”