Battle Of Britain Distractions Wheeled Out Four Weeks Early

One of The Few, at least in Mr Cameron's head

The 70-year-old Battle of Britain was taken out of storage, dusted down and put on the news almost four weeks before the traditional date, in a well-meaning attempt to give the nation’s dispirited population a spurious cause for celebrating something they had nothing to do with.

“We appreciate that, for 69 years, the Battle of Britain has been commemorated on September 15th – Hitler’s vaunted Eagle Day – on which the RAF’s fighter squadrons successfully fought off the Luftwaffe’s strongest attack,” said Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg. “But if we wait that long, people will be rioting in the streets in protest against my friend David’s tough but necessary cuts. So we decided that since today marks the anniversary of Churchill standing up and pontificating about other people’s bravery, we might as well have it now - after all, politicians are far more important than servicemen’s lives.

“So we’ve lined up the usually doddery old codgers for the TV cameras to make the national breast swell with pride, etc and provide the necessary distraction from the sheer bloody awfulness of present-day reality.”

“Look, a Spitfire!” he added, pointing to the sky. “Doesn’t that make you proud to be British?”

Treasury officials are now feverishly flipping through books on the Second World War for a spread of handy victories from the past with which to distract the public through the forthcoming dismal year.