A Scottish hermit emerged blinking from a disused tin mine in Cornwall today, for the first time since British Rail was split up into over a hundred companies and given away to thieves, and was somewhat surprised to learn that a first-class return from the arse end of England to its Scottish equivalent now costs over a thousand pounds.
"Ma puir old nan's deid, an' the funeral's Friday," whimpered Wee Jimmy Bampot, as he sold himself to a Bulgarian pimp to raise the necessary funds.
Until today, nobody had ever bought the £1,002 ticket from scenic, vomit-stained Pewquay to picturesque, deserted Kyle of Locharse, according to a laughing spokesman for Cross Country Trains.
"If Mr Bampot's grandmother had taken the trouble to give a couple of weeks' advance warning of her imminent demise so he could book ahead, he would only have had to pay a very reasonable £561," he giggled. "That's less than a sixth of the cost of chartering yourself a twin-engined plane and pilot, you know."
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