Britain's shy, introverted prime minister was left on the doorstep of 10 Downing Street in an Oxfam bag this morning, after expressing a desire to do something useful for the charity sector when his services are no longer required by the nation.
On hearing Gordon Brown's plans, a quick-thinking Alan Johnson attracted his attention with a cup of water and a dog biscuit. Meanwhile, Alistair Darling unearthed the charity donations sack, sneaked round behind the PM's chair and swiftly slipped it over Mr Brown's upper torso. Harriet Harman then grabbed the surprised Labour leader's legs and upended him into the bag, which was promptly tied up, dragged downstairs and hurled out of the front door in less than a minute.
However, before Oxfam's lorry could collect the unwanted junk, an unmarked white van pulled up, several shifty-looking Eastern Europeans leapt out, hurriedly bundled the bag into the back and drove off.
"This is a growing problem for us," said a spokesman for Oxfam later. "These callous criminals find out our collection times, and steal our donations before we get there. By now, the prime minister is probably lying in a heap on some dodgy market stall in Poland or Lithuania, where he will be sold at a profit to a poor, unsuspecting family."
"This despicable theft deprives desperately needy people of much-needed relief," he added. "We'd already received several enquiries from devastated communities all over Britain, who were hoping to raise the necessary funds to acquire Mr Brown, a set of stocks and a couple of hundredweight of rotting vegetables."
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