Tory leader David Cameron has spoken out about the influence of the Christian religion in his life, without delving too deeply into any specifics - such as all that funny business with the moneylenders and some old tommy rot about rich men, camels and needles.
"The teachings of Jesus are very important to me, whatever they are," gushed Mr Cameron. "I was a good, sceptical, questioning Christian when I was younger, pissed out of my face and staring at the ceiling after trashing a restaurant or two with my Bullingdon mates, and asking myself what it was really all about."
Mr Cameron stressed that he did not want to give the public the impression that he was some messianic fruit-loop like former PM Tony Blair, explaining that he did not drop to his knees and pray for guidance, go to church, read the Bible, love his neighbour as his brother or indeed recognise the divine authority of God.
"I'm just like the ordinary chaps of Britain, really," said Mr Cameron. "I haven't got a bloody clue about Christianity at all, actually - but sometimes, at three in the morning, the awful suspicion that the world might one day get by just fine without me fills me with vain, self-centred horror. It's vaguely comforting to believe that when I die, Jesus will pop up and tell his dad I'm quite a good egg really, and let me blag a freebie into heaven. Again, I must stress that I haven't actually thought this through as such - but, as far as I'm concerned, heaven is a fluffy sort of dream-world where there are no poor people making the place look shabby and everybody agrees with everything I say. A bit like the shadow cabinet, in fact."
Shortly after Mr Cameron's profession of some sort of meaningless wishy-washy faith, Jesus the Messiah contacted the Nev Filter to express his opinions on the teachings of Mr Cameron.
"I don't have a direct line to Mr Cameron," said the Holy Lamb of God. "Nevertheless, I sincerely believe that he is a slimy little creep who every utterance is cynically calculated to be all things to everyone, and that he will say absolutely anything that will play well with Middle England without actually committing himself to anything."
"Rich men; needles; camels," he added cryptically.
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