Disease prevention, announced Mr Mitchell, is top of his wish-list of good-value priorities: “It is a stain on the face of humanity that, even in the 21st century, hard-working British taxpayers are still forced to spend money they can ill afford on numerous jabs before they are able to head for the sun-drenched beaches and beguiling ladyboys of Thailand,” he told his selfish audience. “The sooner we eliminate the threat of diphtheria, typhoid, hepatitis and tetanus from this wonderful holiday destination, the more convenient for all concerned.”
Other top targets for redirected aid include mandatory English lessons for the tragically ignorant people of France, generous subsidies to Australia’s bars and restaurants to guarantee full employment to gap-year students, encouraging the gun-toting police forces of Spain to adopt a policy of greater tolerance towards drink-sodden British tourists and a basic literacy scheme for British Airways’ worldwide army of baggage handlers.
Mr Mitchell also acknowledged that there was much work to be done in the field of defeating anti-British prejudice among America’s online community.
“The government will make it a priority to foster a deeper understanding among our redneck allies of the tininess of the fuck that the average British net-surfer gives about losing the War of Independence,” he promised.
“This is a long-term goal, of course,” he cautioned, “But one that will hopefully benefit generations yet unborn.”
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