Heavy Blizzards Reported In Hell

Hell is now indistinguishable from a Saturday in Dundee

Reports emerging from the underworld realm of Satan indicate that all but the most essential services have ground to a standstill, as a result of an unprecedented fall of snow which coincided with the announcement that Lloyds TSB Bank is thinking about withholding payment of a £1.4m bonus awarded to its former chief executive.

“Under the circumstances – i.e. Eric Daniels presiding over a stonking £3.9bn loss in the first nine months of 2011 alone, not to mention the spectacularly ill-advised takeover of HBOS in 2008 which pretty much bankrupted Lloyds - perhaps it may no longer be appropriate to keep throwing money we haven’t even got at this complete and utter dick,” according to a board-level memo seen by the Nev Filter in an apocalyptic vision.

US-born Mr Daniel – who retired this year, in order to realise his lifelong ambition to train the world’s first fully aerobatic pig – now faces the awful prospect of having to live out the rest of his days solely on the meagre interest from all the tax he saved through maintaining his non-domiciled status during his ten-year tenure at Lloyds.

Meanwhile, a frost-covered Satan urged the Lloyds board to reconsider, pointing out that the luxurious retirement homes awaiting them in the least-disagreeable circle of Hell were at risk of being crushed beneath rapidly-advancing glaciers.