Osborne To Abolish Jobs, Pensions, Everything

Cannibalism: poised to become a growth industry

In his Autumn Prophecy Of Doom, chancellor George Osborne has outlined radical Treasury plans to stop government spending on absolutely everything, forever, in what City analysts are already hailing as a prudent effort to keep Britain from slipping back into recession. However, he said cheerfully, the rest of your lives are not all bad news:

OUT: Jobs, pensions, growth, hope.
IN: Rail fares to become only slightly more utterly unaffordable.