Church Of England Sends Emergency Relief Aid To Hell

With the compliments of the CofE

Starkly faced with the impending loss of its only sinner disposal facility, the Church of England has acted swiftly to restore normal conditions to Hell by vehemently blocking any prospect of civil partnerships taking place in its churches.

“The government may have removed the legal barrier which prevents bottom-fanciers and their hairy female counterparts from indulging in some despicable paper travesty of the God-ordained sanctity of marriage – hey, no offence meant – but don’t get your hopes up,” said secretary general William Fittall. “The only way it’s ever going to happen is with the written permission of the General Synod, which will only come when Hell finally freezes over. We are therefore consigning millions of tons of salt to eternal damnation, along with some helpful leaflets explaining the availability of home-insulation grants.”

Mr Fittall also compared the church’s views on same-sex partnerships to a gentlemen’s outfitter being expected to serve a woman. Leading gentlemen’s outfitters Moss Bros, however, replied that any woman walking in off the high street waving a fistful of cash has been welcomed with open arms since it opened its first Women’s Department in 1947, and invited the church to wake up and smell the 21st century.