Research Shows Gamers’ Brains Dominated By Overdeveloped ‘Masturbation Hub’

Stop it, you'll go blind

CT scans conducted on teenage computer game addicts show that their brains are radically different from those of normal people, according to new research which reveals that what scientists call the ‘wanking hub’ of the brain - which handles instant gratification – almost completely fills their skulls, leaving the parts of the brain which deal with communication, reasoning and finding a girlfriend almost completely atrophied.

“We don’t yet know whether freakish wankers are psychologically drawn into playing these pointless games over and over again while other people are going out and getting on with their lives, or if indulging in non-stop self-gratification in front of a screen actually causes brain growth to malfunction in this way,” said puzzled researchers. “Give us a load of free copies of Modern Warfare 3, and we’ll get back to you.”