Educated People Stunned To Learn That Educated People Tend Not To Live In Shitholes

Strangely enough, he doesn't have a master's

Researchers from the University and College Union are astounded by the shock discovery that hardly any of them live in Britain’s urban hellscapes, according to their own survey published today.

The nation’s intelligentsia breathed a collective sigh of relief over their morning papers as they read that they tend to live in nice, leafy areas with all the other well-qualified people, while shallow-pated ape-beasts which can only communicate their basic demands for sex, fast food and housing benefit by rudimentary grunts and thumps continue to infest the nation’s blighted inner-city warzones and Cornwall.

The report’s clever-clogs authors claim to have discovered two Britains: a green and happy place in which nice people like you, who can deploy an apostrophe with deadly accuracy and earn a salary, access the internet with laptop computers; and a concrete battlefield filled with the gibbering refuse of a rapidly-shrinking gene pool, creatures which have only recently begun to migrate from their Playstations to the internet by randomly pressing buttons on their smartphones until a social networking site obligingly appears.

“The recent invasion of Facebook and Twitter by belligerent monkey-men portends a bleak future in which the few remaining bastions of civilisation are overrun and torn to the ground by the mongrel hordes, unless we act now to ring the nation’s council estates with high walls and gun towers,” warned lead researcher Dr Mark Strangelove ominously. “Until then, guys, see you on Google+.”