Prince Andrew Deactivated

Scotland's golf links are safe once more

The Duke of York has been successfully shut down at last, announced a Buckingham Palace spokesman, after an epic struggle involving the entire royal family.

The rogue royal, who has been out of control for years – selling deadly weaponry to evil dictatorships, swaggering about arm-in-arm with his rich kiddy-fiddling sidekick and terrorising Switzerland with his razor-sharp ski poles – was lured into a cellar by a carefully-laid trail of glittering freebies, whereupon he was suddenly wrestled to the ground by a desperate rugby-tackle from his heroic nephew, Prince William. Charles and Harry then rushed forward to pin his arms to the ground, while the Queen sat on his legs and the Princess Royal bit his thrashing tongue. Finally, as the most battle-hardened member of the royal family, Prince Philip bravely thrust his arm up Andrew’s arse to locate the kill switch which has been surgically inserted into all royals at birth as a precaution since the brief but embarrassing reign of King Edward VIII.

"Bro Andy’s death-dealing reign of terror is finally over,” gasped a breathless Prince Edward, who was filming the entire operation for another rotten documentary about his family which he will shamelessly flog to US cable networks.