£3000 University Scholarships Will Make Poor Forget All About £9000 Fees, Reckons Hughes

William gets £3000 to fuck off to Keele

Simon Hughes, the token conscience of the Liberal Democrats, has urged the government to allow every secondary school, no matter how appalling its exam results, to offer a set quota of £3000 university scholarships – confident that such an unimaginable prize will erase the terrifying spectre of the £9000-a-year tuition fees awaiting their least feral denizens, allowing them to dodge the soul-destroying McJobs that await them by hiding in higher education for three years.

“It’s all very well the universities administering these incredibly generous scholarships, but they’ll just go and award them to bright kids, because they’re full of clever-clogs elitists who persist in perpetuating the cruelly discriminatory theory that degrees should be awarded in recognition of some sort of ability,” said Mr Hughes. “What I propose, however, is that every school should be allocated a set number of bursaries instead, so their teachers can dangle them beguilingly in front of any inmate who can demonstrate a rudimentary ability to form words.”

“Only in this way can we achieve the academic nirvana of transforming our universities into 100% representative cross-sections of society,” he insisted. “Look, my pretty little chimpanzee child, look at all the lovely money! Dance, dance for me, and you can have the Swarovski-encrusted PS3 of your dreams!”