Smoking Reduces Risk Of Cancer By Stunting Growth

Soon to be renamed Mr Cancer

Researchers from Cancer Research UK are in hiding today, after reporting that simply being tall greatly increases the risk of developing cancer.

“If I find those fuckers, I’m going to kill them,” growled Mark Peters, a six-footer who is currently undergoing chemotherapy. “When I was a kid, these smug bastards solemnly warned us all that ‘smoking stunts your growth’, so I spent a lonely, monastic childhood earnestly refusing all my friends’ offers of cigarettes. Imagine my shock, then, when I found out I’ve got cancer of the tall. Somebody get me a lawyer. Heads are going to roll.”

The unpleasant findings come hard on the heels of yesterday’s announcement, in a US scientific journal, that second-hand smoke almost always causes deafness in teenagers.

“Using parallel methodologies, if we couldn’t pick up a whiff of tobacco smoke we asked the children of the household if they had any hearing problems and they replied no sir, they didn’t,” explained team leader Dr Milton Strangelove.

“If, however, we spotted an ashtray in the house, we asked them to interpret and articulate empirical cognitive data concerning systemic quantum-decibel degradation of auditory parameters in the 20-20K spectrum,” he went on. “In almost every case, the response was ‘WTF?’ This conclusively proves that secondhand smoke causes deafness to such a degree that the victim invariably experiences profound difficulty in understanding speech. Another research grant, please.”