Newsagents Ordering Extra Copies Of Last Repugnant Issue Of Morally Bankrupt Paper

As 200 soon-to-be-redundant rats tearfully prepare the final issue of the vicious News Of The World, the great British public – riding the crest of one of its occasional fits of morality – is said to be eagerly looking forward to being disgusted one more time.

An unmissable souvenir of tabloid history

Speculation is rife as to how the cream of Britain's tabloid journalists will excel themselves in a final orgy of lawbreaking sleaze. Rumours abound of spade-wielding News Of The World journalists lurking in the vicinity the grave of Princess Diana with a goat and a bucket of Viagra pills, while insiders say readers might be advised to steel themselves for the unholy sight of carrot-haired News Corp chief executive Rebekah Brooks appearing in a centre-page spread in all her naked glory, engaging in unspeakable acts of depravity in front of the Cenotaph with a slobbering Abu Hamza.

“I’ve already had outraged customers begging me to reserve them copies,” said one corner-shop owner. “There’s no telling what the News Of The World will do to go out in a blaze of shame. After he laid into them last night on telly, maybe they’ll run a lavish photo-feature revealing the agonising anal violation of Steve Coogan with a TV aerial in unjustifiably lurid detail. That would fly off the shelves like shit off a shovel.”

“That Murdoch fucker’s gone too far, yeah, hacking the phones of dead squaddies’ rellies an’ Milly Dowler’s parents an’ shit,” fumed Sammi-Jo Potts, who has been an avid NotW reader since the age of 12, when she learned to drag her finger along a line of newsprint. “I can’t wait to see how he tops that, innit.”

“If they call Lenny Henry a kiddy-fiddler, right, I’ll be happy,” she added.