0.01mm Tsunami Reaches Sussex Coast

The terrifying horizontal wall of water facing Brighton

Millions of potential tsunami victims across the south-east are speaking of little else but their miraculous deliverance from almost certain death today, after an earthquake with a magnitude of almost 4 threatened to hurl the entire English Channel inland at 7.59 this morning.

“When my teacup momentarily rattled in its saucer, all that awful footage from Japan flashed before my eyes,” gasped white-faced futures trader Rob Blind, who was waiting for the 0803 from Haywards Heath. “But that was caused by the 0716 from London Bridge rattling in. Thirty seconds later, though, there was a brief ripple in my tea and I found out when I got to work that it can only have been caused by the most devastating earthquake to hit the south coast since 1734.”

“That’s the year 1734, by the way,” he added earnestly. “I don’t mean the train I caught home from work yesterday, although that was a fucking disaster in its own right.”

All over the south-east, emergency services reported the same appalling news - an enormous wall of water was not crawling relentlessly towards a defenceless London, tall buildings were providentially left standing and millions had somehow escaped a terrible death by drowning.

On hearing the dreadful news, the homeless thousands of Japan’s Fukushima province swiftly organised a collection for their fellow survivors on the other side of the globe. The first package of aid - a pair of threadbare Speedos and an old snorkel - is expected to arrive in the post on Monday.