Mass Outbreak Of Spontaneous Pants Combustion In Nation’s Newsrooms

London’s firemen are recovering from a harrowing 24 hours in which they were all but swamped by call after frantic call from the newsrooms of the Sunday papers, which were hit yesterday by an unprecedented mass outbreak of the paranormal phenomenon known as ‘Spontaneous Pants Combustion’.

“Awwy’d just tawwyped vee laarst fuww stop on a sewwf-roychus op-ed on vee demawwyse uv vee News Uv Vee Wewwd, when awwy cort a whiff uv a tewwibww burnin smeww,” mumbled early victim Janet Street-Porter, an editor-at-large for the Independent On воскресенье, who was lucky to escape with only singed pubes when gouts of flame suddenly erupted from her Victoria’s Secrets.

The conflagration reached a peak at the Mail On Sunday

Soon, media undercrackers all over the capital began smouldering ominously, as hypocritical journos penned smug articles on the absolute moral purity of their own rags, and self-igniting dramatically the moment their sermons were pasted onto the papers’ page templates.

At one point, every single appliance in London was attending ferocious pants fires, frantically directing millions of gallons from the Thames onto screaming hacks’ blazing smalls.

STOP PRESS: Reports are coming in from all over the country of indignant members of the public snapping up the final edition of the News Of The World - ‘purely as a souvenir, of course’ - only to find their own pants exploding in flame as they inevitably succumb to the temptation to look inside for any last items of dirt.