Death Is Coming, Warns Weatherman

The view from Television Centre this evening

“It is coming,” moaned Tomasz the BBC schafernaker today as he huddled in a corner of a frost-rimed BBC newsroom, trying to light a pathetic pile of hastily-scavenged scripts by rubbing two pencils together. “Death’s icy talons are in the wind.”

“Heed me,” he added balefully.

The schafernaker made his dire prediction after sacrificing a trainee editor in the traditional manner on the news altar this morning.

Data wizards high in the Tower of Meteorology had verified the weather priest’s ominous prophecy, he warned, after entering the latest sat-runes into their mighty oracle.

“Even now, a terrible area of evil pressure descends upon the realm from the frozen snowpeaks of the North,” moaned the sinister schafernaker, casting secretive eldritch signs of protection with his fingers. “Beware the terrible ravening bear and the unpleasant wolf with the munchies for lo, they come.”

“So,” chortled King Bill Bull-turner, as he mopped the sacrificial blood off his mighty table of breakfast. “Better put a scarf on if you’re planning a spot of late-night Yuletide shopping, then.”

“Aye,” affirmed the weatherscryer gloomily. “And some warm woolly gloves.”