British Public Struggling To Remember Giving Consent For Police State

Police are sure they've got that consent form on file somewhere

As Theresa May, the home secretary, eagerly pores over water-cannon manufacturers’ glossy brochures, the public at large has raised a collective eyebrow at her claim that “Britain is policed by consent and not force.”

“Admittedly I’m constantly pestered by some cheeky arse with a clipboard – just like you, in fact – whenever I pop out for a pint of sodding milk,” observed a harassed-looking ABC1 outside Godalming’s Waitrose store, “And I have been known to make things up just for the hell of it. But I’m pretty certain I don’t remember ticking a box okaying the deployment of police horses and the riot squad against schoolkids.”

“Come to think of it, I don’t recall green-lighting the public execution of Brazilians or the killing of passing news vendors,” she reflected. “And I’m reasonably sure that if anybody had ever asked me how I thought the law should be applied to police officers who take down harmless members of the public, with ‘1’ being a twenty-year stretch and ‘10’ being a mild reprimand for breaching health and safety regulations, I dare say I’d probably have picked quite a low number.”

“You know, I don’t actually remember a copper in riot gear carefully soliciting my consent before I got brained with a heavy riot baton last Thursday,” agreed student casualty Alfie Meadows, from his bed in Chelsea and Westminster Hospital neurosurgery department.

“Mind you,” he admitted, “That might be because I got brained with a heavy riot baton last Thursday.”