Top-Fee Universities Must Show Poor Kids What They Will Miss, Insists Willetts

Make sure they see the sailing club facilities, urges minister

Universities which charge the full £9000 annual tuition fee must show schoolchildren from poor areas the facilities that their middle-class counterparts will go on to enjoy, insisted universities minister David Willetts.

“I am sure that wealthy students will be more than happy to see a third of their tuition fees spent on putting young underclass oiks firmly in their place by inviting them to ‘summer schools’ and showing them all the university facilities which they can never hope to afford to use,” announced the minister.

“In order to justify the top rate of fees, universities will be particularly expected to draw the attention of the poor to the wide range of extra-curricular activities available to the sons and daughters of the privileged, such as top-class sporting facilities,” he added. “This will remind them that, with luxury housing now occupying their former council grounds, the only sporting facility they will ever get to use is the car park in front of their disgusting council flats.”

The Russell Group of proper university chancellors, meanwhile, responded by rubbing their hands together with glee and announcing that all lecturers would be taught to speak Chinese.